Snuffy's blog

questions to answer

Do i really love him?   Or am i just feeling sorry for what i've done?

A: how do you know if you really love someone?
I'm willing to work things out, talk about the issues, how to resolve the issues? how can we have solutions or compromise, or just give and take?

can u see yourself growing old with him?  can see him as lifelong partner?

A: I want to see him, and talk to him before I can affirm that, for now, yes i can see myself growing together and growing old with him, but sometimes I need to be with him, see it visually, and picture that in my eyes too.

changed perspectives

i never thought,
i would feel this way

my perspective would change

i'll be willing to compromise, work things out.

i'm looking for a lifelong friend, lifelong companion,  someone i can grow together with, in lifeand grow old together with.
someone I can overcome life hurdles, adversities with

for once, i want to stop running away, from r/s whenever issues and problems arises. stop walking away but for once try to work things out. However, there's a lot of issues we need to work out and resolve, if not compromise...

but if not, i'll move on, date others.

In the past, as quote, "the WL i know would just walk away." i've always chosen to flee.
Partly, circumstances changed, i now do my own things, i can be in control of work. its easier for me to work out how i can be with someone, regardless of location.

座右铭

自強不息， 厚德載物， 德智兼備， 知行合一 : 勇者无惧、智者不惑、仁者无敌

I do not have the virtues, nor the wisdom, and to act in both.

i wasn't brave enough to overcome any societal judgment to go out with him?
I wasnt wise enough to be clear about my own feelings
I wasnt kind enough to the one I love.

why is it that i cant recognise my own feelings? not this time?
why is it I was so angry? dissatisfied with? I cant even remember them, how unimportant they were, and to let that affect me and inflict pain on him.

Fun project

I'm having a small fun project in the pipeline...
Amidst all other companies I'm setting up now, hopefully not taking up too much of my time.. make some extra little $$...

This will be fun :)

I really want to get distracted from too much research & consulting work... finding people to do the jobs wherever possible.... let's see what happens..

At the same time, I seem to get easily pissy lately...
A year of ill health, other misc misfortunes and troubles... sadness, learning....

Somehow my temper wasnt in check.. perhaps I really has turn into a mundane soul..getting cycnical, jaded.
Feeling that only when I'm pissed, nasty people stay away, and I dont get hurt.
Can I feel the dhamma in my life again? the way it did??

Current state

I dont feel that my soul is so out of body now,  plugged back into the mundane world.

But, the emotive self is lost, not that its bad, coz the rational one makes decisions based on practicality, for survival in the mundane world,

The desire for nunhood is lost, gone with the wind.

Something's missing, or numb or dead. 

I dont know what to blog anymore..

that was my 2009 resolution

Okay the serious one

1. Be a better person that I envision myself to be.
2. Cherish every moment in life, give unconditional love and create happiness to friends and family around me
3. To develop wisdom and inner peace: to identify, accept and let go of the things you cant control in life.

4. I need to add one more, is to give unconditional love to myself, love myself more, walk away from ones who would abuse me, does not contribute to the positive energy and attitude

Solving problems

1. Define Problems Anew: A problem is only a problem when there is a solution. Do not waste precious time, energy and emotions on problems that do not have a solution.




2. Drink a Cup of Tea: Relax and let all information about a problem sink into you without being fearful or apprehensive. When the mind is still and free of stress, innovative solutions come from within.




3. All Decisions are Correct and All Outcomes can be Directed: Do not mull over the fact whether your decisions are correct or not. Eventually, all decisions are correct as we must trust ourselves that we can direct the outcome of the decision to our favor.




4. Buddhist Way of Solving Problems: If these 4 principles are at the heart of decision making then problems will be resolved.
   • If there’s no ill-will towards others then the decision is correct.
   • If there’s no selfishness and feelings of what’s in it for me then the decision will work out.
   • If there’s no doubt or delusion behind the decision making then the outcome will be as desired.
   • If there’s no fear in the background of decision making then the outcome will be as desired.

I came across this, while searching for the BF Singapore site.

Plugged in

Probably the meditation thread but Guru Igor/Dev  was too much to digest, and I was getting confused, without the solid foundation of Buddhism, right guidance...

And got lost in the meditation practices..

hence the lost feeling...

now that was talked through..

let's see what comes next

The pursuit into the spiritual realm/pathway

I cannot seem to describe in words, how I truly feel now.

Its almost as if I am the 3rd party observer, watching myself in all the various activities, dis-engaged, rather, detached from the relations.

When work calls, I get plugged back into the mundane world, handling the projects etc. But of late, I could sense my own detachment from work, I watch myself work, but not being fully plugged into it.
Alienation from human beings? Too long in solitude abode? Partial withdrawal from the social circles.

I need to sort myself out, and ask Igor, the Guru, and shed light. This would probably sound really scary to most, the individual spiritual pathway I've embarked on, the feelings and sensations would have been thought of as demonic possessions in the past, or psychotic episodes in today's world. Disconnection with the 'real world'

The past interest I had, in literature, in all arts forms, Chinese calligraphy, painting, concerts, theatrical performances, for cuisine, desserts, the desire, has all diminished.
I seem to lost the desire for alcohol, for drinking, while I can still dance to music, its no longer a must, but I can see myself doing certain activities, to remain part of the normal people, blend into the social circle.

I lost the intense feelings

The psychic cosmic connections I felt recently, was probably stronger than before. Its coming full circle from what I use to feel.

I remember attending the various Taoism meditation with parents as a teenager, and doing Tai Chi as well. At 17 when I 1st visited Taiwan, i felt i was going through De Jevu, as if I've been to these places, which was obviously not true..
This keep repeating itself when I was in collage, but the influence of clubbing life, alcohol, loud music and dancing. This dejavu feeling slowly reduces in frequency.

The episodes of intense feelings, the days in California, there were moments as if I was replaying a video scene.
XQ incident, flashes, then Max, the 1st time I was in the apartment, I felt it strangely familiar, a similar feeling to the past when I was at XQ's place. I guess intuitively I felt there will be something happening between me and him. Though I openly rejected him that night. Subsequently, I knew /could see myself what I was doing. A deliberate decision but it wasnt the intense uncontrollable rush.

I came across an advanced Taoism meditator, my ex teacher's husband, who told me about astral plane projections. But they both converted to Tibetan Buddhism. I use to wonder, if that was bull shitting.  But just because its something which science cant explain, something that normal human beings dont experience, can that be written off as unreal?

All these, stem from reading the meditation thread on ASW, particularly the writings of Igor, very powerful.
As i delve deeper,  it boggles my mind.
As Peter wrote, he could feel the vibrations, energy coming from Igor's writing. the resonance? Is the way I feel attributed to Igor's writing?

 

Friends for a reason, or season

I met Vivien yesterday for a chat, and she made me realise the reason behind why I always choose not to talk about my job/work etc.
The low self esteem associated with it? The disdain, derogatory that were casted onto me by some other Singaporeans? Partly the competitive intelligence work that I engage in, can and often set people's guard up.
So it takes a lot to put trust and faith in others, and tell them truthfully what I do for a living.

I found a lot more comfort in the ASW community,  for the ASW community has been less judgemental,

The interaction and incident with Max: let me realised the psychological barriers i had, and  I watched myself with the lingering attachment.

Everyone work with their own inner demons. And the people that comes my way, was there for a reason, help me work through the various issues I had, the barriers. I hoped I contributed to theirs as much as they did to mine.

I find that carrying myself the way I would, the right people will fall in my way.
When people want to be with you, need you, they would come to you. I need not go out to seek.
I try to do what I can, whenever needed.